have you ever woken up one day and realized that your life has changed? i don’t mean like you have a new job, or now you are married, or you are just in a good mood.
i mean changed. through and through.
the other day one of my dearest friends asked me how i was doing. and it was so strange because in the two months since i had seen her, my life had pivoted 180 degrees.
and now i can say that i actually know what it feels like to go through a dreaful season. a time of waiting and waiting and being in pain. but then to realize that despite all my resistance, and pushing against God, and refusal to accept my circumstances, and whining about my life, despite all my stubbornness and immaturity, God brought healing anyway.
and now i know that my physical being is knotted together with my spiritual and my mental being.
and now i know (because i’ve been taking care of this lovely plant) that there is death, over and over, but after these small blooms die every evening, i pick off the dead buds and in the morning, new bright and yellow flowers have blossomed all over again.
and now i see, because my life bears witness, and because i’m reading shauna’s second book- bittersweet, that life can be fresh. that i can let go and that soon i will have the strength to let go. that i can be closed, i can be resistant, i can be angry, that i can choose not to change myself on my own because i just don’t have the strength anymore, that i can act childish, and yet, i am not in control of the universe or of my life, but that the One who is, will not have me forever lifeless and sad and confused. that He will not tie me to my failings, nor my faults, nor my fears. He will not define me by my struggles, nor make me pull myself up by my boot straps. He will not throw me out when i choose myself over Him some days.
so there you have it, life a-fresh.
Tahni. You complain So much. I don't understand why you can't find happiness. Your posts are about how you are just miserably floating through life. Hello! Tahni you just got married and have the luxury of working at a coffee shop until you find your calling. Do you know how many people have to suffer through horrible first time jobs right out of college just so they can make ends meet? If life were really that miserable and unfair you how did you luck out and marry your husband. I love your pictures and some of your blogs but really Tahni its time to suck it up and stop being so freaking miserable!! No one likes to hear someone constantly complain about how unhappy they are. Really. There is always SOMETHING to be glad about.
Well, I for one think what you just wrote was beautiful, insightful and honest, especially, and I hope you don't mind if I say this, for someone as young as yourself.
life has cycles for sure and having an outlet to gripe your head off is therapeutic; believe you me! loved this post as I definitely relate to it on many levels.
Tahni, it's all about being able to live through the peaks and the valleys both. Having gone through a few very horrible years, it made the light at the end of the tunnel blindingly bright and validating. That makes everything worthwhile. You'll go through much, much harder times in your life but you have more strength and wisdom than most folks twice your age. Oh – btw might I please have Shauna's book back before you take off? 🙂 AHEM.
Tahnawannahaveanepiphany:
I see you starting to come out of a funk that has haunted you for so many years. I take some responsibility for that as my life did not turn out the way you had imagined it in all of your dreams. Your disappointment in me has weighed so heavily on my heart in spite of my great joy for how your life and my life have turned out.
The truth is that most of your posts have been quite melancholy and I wonder how that can be so given the truly blessed life that you have lived. I realize that happiness cannot be rated on the curve and that there are many data points that lead to overall happiness. You need to try and look beyond your own frustrations and remember the kids in Senegal that have been sold into the sex trade or the countless thousands of orphans that will never know a life like Nadia lives today nor a 20 something young woman stricken with Stage 4 cancer (whom you contributed to indirectly) that is incredibly joyful because she can now say, "At least I was married."
I look at the real calamity that so many face who are so much more deserving than I for God's incredible grace, forgiveness and love. I have come to realize that these are just blessings that God Almighty Himself has dished upon my life and who am I to question His providence? As a human I do wonder, even in the midst of such great blessing.
Each day that you wake you should be thankful for the new day. You should be thankful that you are not the homeless person who asked me for help at BW3 today. You have the love and respect of a good and decent man and you have your health, in spite of your arthritis.
My prayer each and every day is that you will come to realize the blessings you have that have been obscured by you lack of happiness, more often than not in your life.
More than anything I desire to make sure you are happy and to have you know that I love you to the point that I would die for you.
The above said, I found this post to be incredibly encouraging because I think that you are finally coming to the conclusion that you are indeed special and that you have earned the very favor of God.
I Love You,
Dad
I'm glad to read this Tahns!
I think it's easy for others, or even ourselves, to think that we should be able to just snap out of the funk by counting blessings, realizing others have it worse, etc….but really we can't always do that…and it is Him that pulls us out. I love you friend!
hey.
love this line:"despite all my stubbornness and immaturity, God brought healing anyway."
mmm perfect.
love you.
jax
isn't that what's beautiful about redemption…that he heals anyway. loves anyway. pursues anyway.
i'm learning that it's times when we're waiting & in pain even when all "should" be right with the world or appears to be "right" on the outside that we experience that this broken place is not what we were made for…and as we shiver in the cold, we can only hope for the feast to come.
i love that you are authentic & express what so often i fail to have the courage to present. every word you write is dear to me…and is even more treasured by Him.
All I would like to say, is Tahni, I understand. My brain works similarly to yours. Sometimes, despite all the blessings we have & all the good days we've been given, it is just hard to see the bigger picture. Some people see in details; others see the whole image. We see details. Along with the curses of that, there are BEAUTIFUL things about seeing details. We are the people that a friend wants to bring when they're buying a new house to see the details that may cause them a lot of trouble 5 years down the line of owning that home. We are people that have trouble being satisfied, which pushes us to grow more. Yes, there are downfalls to that. There are downfalls to every "personality type." None is better than another.
One thing I've been learning more than anything is that we must accept our weaknesses and then ask our Lord for direction & guidance in cultivating our personality. You won't change completely, and I won't either. BUT the Father MADE US THIS WAY and wants us to come to Him so He can refine this personality trait in us so we can glorify him: NOT TAKE IT AWAY.
I just want to encourage you Tahni, that you are not an awful person. God made you a certain way & where there are bad in a trait, there is GOOD. I really disagree with the ANONYMOUS comment about just sucking it up & shutting away your feelings. I've learned it is about confronting our feelings, putting them in God's hands while asking Him to help us dissect & re-train those thoughts if they aren't beneficial for us.
I'm sorry that's so long, I just felt very strongly that I needed to say those things.
You are so loved, Tahni.
-Love, Erin
love you
Erin,
You think its ok to just be miserable? What is the point in wallowing about everything you think is wrong with your life. Get over yourselves. Honestly. Someone has it worse than you do. The fact that you just want to sit on a log and constantly complain about everything that you think is wrong with your life is amazing. Take control of your lives and stop complaining! If you want your life to be a certain way DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Just stop all the complaining!
I'm reading Bittersweet too!
I loved this post. Wise words 🙂
-Lindsay
You are right that He does not define you by your struggles. I commend you for going to the depths with God even when it is uncomfortable and when understanding is nowhere around and when others judge you. Keep pressing in to His love for you. It will never end (His love and light). I like you and I like your blog. You are honest with yourself, and it seems with God as well, which is better than faking it. You are an encouragement to me. You are a treasure.