starting this whole photography thing has been really hard on my spirit. i’m up, i’m down, i’m allover the place. Fear crept in, lodged itself deep in my heart, and reminds me of its presence as soon as i’ve overcome its last revelation. i spend just as much time being fearful and wanting to crawl in a hole as i do being productive and dreaming up ideas for photography. i constantly doubt that it is how God wants to use me right now, i eat every other day, and i lay awake exhausted but restless every night. i mean it, i positively obsess over all my fears and failings.

and every moment fear is controlling me, i’m losing sight of everything, of faith. this morning, God showed me that i can stop (as if He hasn’t done it enough recently). He has had to take lavish measures recently to show me that He loves me, He is working through me, and that I am in His hands. it began when He moved us here, healed 4 years worth of brokenness, gave us everything we could need, began to use us to minister, loved us extravagantly through our new friends here, and today put the halt on my clinging to fear. and the funny thing about fear is that the more i dwell on it, the more i’m ashamed and believe that i should push myself away from God.

last week i found out about this giveaway that RedCart was doing. RedCart is an online proofing/shopping cart service for professional photographers. basically, it is something i was really needing for the business but didn’t have the money to buy at the moment. when i found out about the giveaway, and knew that i was one of thousands allover the world trying to win 1 of 5 of the packages i thought “if i happened to win this, i think God would be saying let go of your fears, I will provide for you to do what I want you to do.”

and sure enough, He did…